Are you looking for a few laughs to start off the day? We have the perfect solution – 100 of some of the funniest quotes of all time! From some of the biggest names in entertainment, these funny quotes and sayings are sure to bring a smile to your face, if not make you laugh.

We all need a laugh once in a while. And these are great if you want to cheer yourself up, make someone else laugh, or need some funny Instagram captions to add some humor to your posts.

So come on in and get ready to chuckle – we have 100 funny quotes just waiting to save your day!

100 Funny Quotes, Sayings & Captions

  1. I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later. – Mitch Hedberg
  2. My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana. – Rose
  3. Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. – David Letterman
  4. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. – Jack Handey
  5. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. – Mark Twain
  6. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are. – Will Ferrell
  7. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner
  8. Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you–but I’m not going to. – Phil Connors
  9. When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. – Erma Bombeck
  10. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller
  11. Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path. – Ellen DeGeneres
  12. Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now’ – Anonymous
  13. Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over. – Jerry
  14. I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott
  15. My advice to you is to get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates
  16. If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once. – Aldo Cammarota
  17. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. – Will Ferrell
  18. Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you. – Jay Trachman
  19. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. – Phyllis Diller
  20. Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. – Rod Stewart
  21. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey
  22. Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas. – Paula Poundstone
  23. A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children. – Dave Barry
  24. Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, but they’re also the ones who can sign you into a home. – Dennis Miller
  25. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. – Rodney Dangerfield
  26. If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them. – Reese Witherspoon
  27. Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life. – Kate Davis
  28. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller
  29. The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. – Andy Rooney
  30. I know I’m a handful but that’s why you got two hands. – Unknown
  31. Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor. – Truman Capote
  32. If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito. – Betty Reese
  33. Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses. – Unknown
  34. I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off. – Unknown
  35. If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge? – Unknown
  36. The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. – Abraham Lincoln
  37. I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? – Chandler
  38. My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne. – Tina Fey
  39. So it turns out that being an adult is really just Googling how to do stuff. – Unknown
  40. It’s okay to look at the past and the future. Just don’t stare. – Lisa Lieberman-Wang
  41. Always remember that you are unique – just like everybody else. – Unknown
  42. Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. – Michael Scott
  43. All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. – Charles M. Schulz
  44. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are. – Will Ferrell
  45. Life is like homemade ice cream: sweet and seasonal. Enjoy it before it melts.
  46. Pets: the family members you get to choose.
  47. There’s no need to turn on the heat at the family reunion; the room will be full of hot air.
  48. Whatever you do in life, do it with enthusiasm.
  49. That’s a life lesson I could have done without.
  50. There is no dress rehearsal for life.
  51. If you’re around someone who sucks all the air out of the room, go to another room.
  52. With wisdom comes exhaustion.
  53. If your carriage turns into a pumpkin, call an Uber.
  54. It’s amazing how many people have developed shockingly blue eyes since Facebook filters were invented.
  55. There’s nothing like a little alone time to make you appreciate your own company.
  56. Your life is your story; you can write out any characters who aren’t enhancing the plot.
  57. Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. – Unknown
  58. Life is like a box of chocolates. – Forrest Gump 
  59. Family – the ties that bind… and gag! – Erma Bombeck
  60. I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon. – Ellen DeGeneres
  61. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. – Mark Twain
  62. I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott 
  63. My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana. – Rose 
  64. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey
  65. The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast. – Oscar Wilde
  66. Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? – Phyllis Diller
  67. If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. – Steven Wright
  68. Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese. – Luis Bunnuel
  69. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. – Margaret Mead
  70. I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. – David Lee Roth
  71. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are. – Will Ferrell
  72. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. – Jules Renard
  73. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner
  74. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller
  75. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin
  76. Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. – Charles Shulz
  77. A day without laughter is a day wasted. – Charlie Chaplin
  78. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – Winnie The Pooh
  79. Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. – Dale Carnegie
  80. When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life. – Richard Lewis
  81. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. – Mark Twain
  82. It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. – Jerry Seinfeld
  83. Every dogma has its day. – Anthony Burgess
  84. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. – Don Marquis
  85. I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time. – Charles M. Schulz
  86. I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. – Zach Galifianakis
  87. Every day is Monday….till Friday. – Viktor VolksPrater
  88. Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room. – President Merkin Muffley 
  89. Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason. – Garry Moll
  90. So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends – but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership. – Julio Alexi Genao
  91. Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. – Thomas Eddison.
  92. If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big. – Donald Trump
  93. Opportunity does not knock; it presents itself when you beat down the door. – Kyle Chandler
  94. Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. – Will Rogers
  95. If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. – Dalai Lama
  96. Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost, and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path. – Ellen DeGeneres.
  97. Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now. – Anonymous.
  98. I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. – Les Dawson.
  99. I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later. – Mitch Hedberg.
  100. When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’ – Sydney Harris

End your quote journey on a funny note! A great life is full of laughter; it serves as therapy for our hearts, minds, and souls.

Whether you use these humorous quotes to make someone laugh or give yourself that special pick-me-up from time to time, this collection has proven that your life can still have a dose of humor despite stress and pressure.

Say goodbye to dull days – keep the funny in focus for a happier existence. Go forth and bring some laughter into the world today!